My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is wine microwaveable?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
