My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
