So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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