I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
