2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yo dont text me then not text me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
