My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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