mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i've created a new STD.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
