I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
