I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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