You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
