I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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