Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
