so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This baby is an asshole
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
