Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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