he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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