Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Randomize
