I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
