i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize