I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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