I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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