its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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