I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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