i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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