you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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