And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
