we're chasing vodka with high fives
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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