so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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