No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
