Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
