I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
being pregnant is like rehab
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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