Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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