you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
