I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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