i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
