The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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