i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
