Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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