Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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