my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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