haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
