'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
