Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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