your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
