I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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