I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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