Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize