I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
