After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
