It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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