He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
