I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
