He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Vodka?
Forever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
