All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
