I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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