One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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