4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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