Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
