dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
