just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just gift wrapped bread.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
