do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize