btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
