i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
